Alex's Journal <3

Id be Cappie from the programme 'Greek.' I know he's a guy and im a girl...but i think he's awesome...
He has the social life to die for....and has brains without being a geek =]
Plus hes absolutely gorgeousss =D
<3

Im planning on writing in this journal everyday...giving an update as to whats happening...whats changed...whats pissed me off....etc lol
So i think its only right that i introduce the people who im talking about, to make it easier for you lot to understand who im writing stuff about lol.
But because they are my friends, and they deserve their confidentiality, im only gonna refer to them by letters...Like in gossip girl hahaa =P
Im not about to sell out the people around me.

So...where to begin....
Lets start with the people closest...then the friends etc...
 
 ^^^...M.. AO,..JWi....and then Me... ^^^ 
M is my sister...although i love her dearly, she is very prone to using people just to get what she wants. She reads my diary, takes my money and passport and goes in a proper mood if she cant get what she wants...we argue a lot but we're also as close as two people can be...mainly down to the fact weve been through soo much together.

AO is M's boyfriend...At first he was proper quiet and i actually set them up together [something i wish id never had done.] M changes soooo much when she is around AO which pisses me off majorly because she acts like a twat. But recently ive realised that that is down to him, not her. Ive read some of their MSN conversations and he is a complete and utter bastard to her, calling her fat and stuff which really isnt fair. Needless to say anyone who treats my sister like that, i do not like.

JWi is my step-brother. Although everyone pretty much slates him for not being 'mature' or whatever, i actually am a little jealous of him. He has everything he could possibly want when it comes to material possessions; Cars, Money, Guitars etc. And yet he doesnt have a job. Makes me angry that everything is handed to him on a plate but at the end of the day i dont envy him at all because he is not happy, you can tell...id rather have no material possessions and be happy in other areas of my life in all honesty.



^^^...G....TM....and then Me...^^^
T is/was like my best friend in the entire world. We told each other about everything [lliterally]. But things changed, mainly because she got a boyfriend, and chose him over her friends, something that one should neverr do. We're okay now i spose but i think with us both going off to uni, our friendship will never be the same again, which annoys me =[

G is T's boyfriend. Although we all look proper friendly in the photo, that was like the first time i met him. I think G is a sleazy, false twat to be perfectly honest. How he acts when he is around T when she is with her mates is completely different to how he really is. I just hope she reaslises before she gets too hurt, she doesnt deserve that.



^^^...Me, R...and JD...^^^
I met R through T. The first time we met, we got together, but i was drunk and made it clear that i wasnt interested but he never gave up on fancying me =/ It wasnt awkward though, we had like the best friendship. But the other week when we all went out, he decided to shout a load of unprovoked abuse at me and stated that i was 'self-centered.' A true friend would not do that so we're not talking at the moment which annoys me, but thats life i spose =[

JD is possibly one of the nicest guys ever. I can have such deep conversations with him and he doesnt judge either. I know JD has a lot of complications with his life but he never lets that get him down as far as outward appearances to others are concerned. He knows where his loyalties lie and i respect him a whole load for that. Plus he is my Jagermeister buddy hahaa =P



^^^...B...and Me...^^^
B has been like the closest friend i have had since i moved up to Birmingham. The first person to actually be a friend at a new school and i will always owe her for that. I did use to think that she "put on" who she really was because over night she just turned 'emo' and like a mini-me of myself. But i now realise that perhaps that was her way of coping with the shit she was going through =[ The bad thing is that i lost her as the closest friend i had to me because of someone else making me believe her personality change was no good, and thats the biggest regret i have when it comes to my friends. I will always try and make it right between us but i dont think it ever will be. For now, we are just two alcoholics together lol.



^^^...Me...and AT...^^^
Many people dont like AT despite what they say to her face which i dont think is fair on her. Although she has done a lot of shady stuff as far as guys and friends are concerned, back-stabbing is unfair on her. I think she is slightly too pretentious and self-obsessed sometimes but i think she does it for the love of attention in all honesty. I know that if i ever needed her for serious talking, she'd be there for me and i love her loads for that =]



^^^...Me...and LH...^^^
LH was friends with B when i first joined the new school so technically ive known her the longest out of some of my Birmingham friends as well. However, we've never exactly been close as friends. I think she is so immature and needs to seriously grow up if not she is gonna regret her teenage years in the future. She takes nothing seriously, which is sometimes a good way to be, but all the time is just not practical.



^^^...Me...and JWa...^^^
I fancied JWa when i first met him when we went on a school trip to Germany/Poland. I was gutted when that trip ended because i thought id never speak to him again. But luckily he stayed on for sixth form and we are now like best friends...which is awesome because i no longer fancy him (Y) JWa has sooo many opinions on things but he tends not to say them to peoples faces which is a shame because he's not being honest with his feelings. He is lovely though =]]



^^^...SGo...AM..and then Me...^^^
SGo has the lowest respect for women i have ever come across and i used to think that he was just another male shauvenist. But he has looked after me soo many times when we've been out and made sure ive got home safely when ive got into some difficult situations which i thank him soooo much for =]

AM is like a brother to me. I think a lot of people dont give him a chance when he deserves a million lol.I think we can always turn to each other if things get bad which is always nice and he has the brilliant ability of saying exactly the right thing at the right time to me which can always cheer me up =]] I love this boy and he deserves all the good things in life =]



^^^...D...and Me...^^^
D is just a sexual predator lol. I love him to bits though. Although D is the best person in the world to have a laugh with...he also has a serious sweet side which is a good balance to have. D has changed so much since i first met him and i respect him a whole load for not letting others around him change him.



^^^...NB...and Me...^^^
NB was a really good friend of mine. We were on the same wavelength about so many things and although i thought he could be unecessarily harsh to others which was uncalled for, we could always have a good time and a gossip =P But one day, he picked me up to take me to school and took me to this field and literally tried to rape me without the sex lol. I felt so taken advantage of and disgusted with him and me and since then ive lost all respect for him =[



^^^...SGr...and Me...^^^
SGr was awesome as a mate. We literally text each other loads, have the same sense of humour and lots of other things. However i think he is quite immature for his age and he sure as hell doesnt know how to party lol, which disappoints me =P We are still friends but he went through a period of completely ignoring me and giving me the silent treatment which i thought was out of order and unfair so although the ignoring has ended, we are no where near as close as we were =[



^^^...NT...SK...Me...and LR...^^^
These girls were my friends from where i used to live in Norfolk. We were literally closer than close.
NT was always seen as the quiet one out of the group however we had soooo many conversations that proved to me that she was far from that...just abit shy. NT is lovely, however, shortly after me leaving Norfolk, she went to Cambridge and so the distance between us has put a huge strain on our friendship.

SK was always a compulsive liar which none of us liked particularly. But she was always good for a gossip and being a sweetheart. I think because SK has moved around a lot in her lifetime, she has confused herself of who she really is in order to please others which is a shame.

LR was always the confident one of the group. If im honest, i was slightly jealous of LR because my mum always said things like "Oh LR is lovely..and gorgeous" which always made me think low about myself. But despite this, in all of my life, LR was the best friend i ever had but me moving to Birmingham proved way too much for our friendship to take despite trying. Hopefully we'll work that out soon though.



^^^...Me...and LG...^^^
Me and LG have always been friends but through other people which makes it a bit awkward sometimes. I think she is a very mis-understood person and she deserves so much happiness for the future. Although we are not as close as other friends i have, she is always there for me if i need her which i love her hugely for =]]



^^^...K...and then Me...^^^
Ive always admired K. She seemed to have everything that i wanted and so by being her friend, i felt some status. But i have realised in the past few years that she does exactly the same, and is only friends with people to increase her popularity, which is not something that i respect. I think K is a lovely girl but i think she needs to check her priorities.



^^^...TS...and Me...^^^
TS was my last boyfriend. We had a very strange relationship. At the beginning it was awesome, i actually thought i was in love [which is a feeling that i adored] but something was always not quite right between us. Eventually his jealousy got out of control...he didnt trust me, i wasnt allowed out, he chose my friends [which i lost the majority of], told me how to dress, didnt trust me at all...all of which happened with me doing nothing to deserve. The breakup was messy and very hard for him to take. But now 6 months on, we are good friends..and that is all. I find it easy to talk to him about personal issues i have in my life because he knows a lot about my past. But his jealousy is still a big factor of his personality and this will always be something that tests my friendship to him.



^^^...Me...and E...^^^
The first time i went out to town drinking with my mates, I met E and i immediately fancied him. It seems that everytime we go out we end up hooking up, which i used to like...because i did like him...and enjoyed his attention, even if it was only for that night. But now, i have heard so many stories from others that he has tried to get with loads of girls and just gets refused and so thats why he gets with me...which makes me feel so low about my self-worth. Although i do like him, i dont deserve to be treated like that and until he changes his attitude towards me, i wont be hooking up with him again lol.



^^^...ID...^^^
ID added me on myspace. We spoke ages on msn and i proper fancied him. We arranged to meet one night in Birmingham and when we did, i ended up going back to his. Since then ive done the same another two times and sometimes he makes me feel special about who i am and the things he does. But recently, ive realised that he's only doing it for the action he can get. Although ive told him how i feel about him, he just ignores it and refuses to aknowledge it. Instead, he goes on about how he cant wait to move up to Leeds in September and talking constantly about his ex-girlfriends and how he is going out with them and having them stay over. Despite making me feel so low about myself, i still keep going back to him because of how much i like him. I wish i could get over that. 


And then...last but not least...theres.....



^^^...ME...^^^
I feel so alone most of the time. Despite outward appearances to others i actually have the lowest self esteem and lowest confidence. My only wish is to have some 'real' friends and love. That is what would make me happiest. I have been through a lot of shit in my life and although it has made me who i am today, i sometimes wish id have led a different, easier life. My love at the moment lies in music. That can always change my mood and cheer me up. I have 4 cats and a tattoo which i love lowerdsss =D Im a very misunderstood person and just wants to have a good time =]]

Alex's first post...woooo =D
Ive decided to start a diary online because i have so much going on in my head and need somewhere to put it all...
Maybe if i put it online, i can get other peoples views of what is going on in my life =]]
Probably after reading a couple of entries, youre gonna start to think "woahh shes messed up" .. but im seriously not lol...
Im just a normal 18 year old =D
[Whatever 'normal' is these days lol]

Well....i think thats all im gonna put for now...
Perhaps ill post a longer entry later on introducing stuff in my life...
Might even add a few pictures in to keep it interesting lol

But for now, 
Thats it =]


<3 xxx